My wife, Julie, and I were recently at a restaurant patio in Decatur enjoying wings and beers when some kids kept running around screeching through the tables.
Finally, Julie turned and told them: “Stop running and yelling.”
The youths, maybe 8 or 9 and old enough to know better, looked surprised. And then stopped.
I thought the parents (who were oblivious) might say something to us. They didn’t.
Another time — again in Decatur — Julie did the same thing and the kids immediately told their parents, who, again, were oblivious about their rambunctious children.
The parents kept staring at us. I thought one would stomp over and complain about having the temerity to scold their darlings.
I know, kids can be kids. We had four of them. They should be allowed to be loud and rowdy — on the playground, in the pool, on the street or even in your own home.
But at a restaurant? Where people are spending money to relax?
Nah.
My sister, Ann, a teacher, noted kids today are less disciplined and parents more nonchalant.
I think it’s a combination of cellphones and the idea that everyone is special.
Parents have increasingly embraced the concept of self-actualization and the need to build self-esteem, allowing children to flourish.
However, discipline in the form of set boundaries and using the word “no” (not to mention “NO!”) has waned. There’s a fear that negative feedback will psychologically stunt your angel’s wingspan.
My sister noted that when we went out as a family, there was an expected baseline of how to act, whether it be visiting someone else’s house or in a restaurant, even if it were a burger joint.
You were expected to remain at the table and converse with the adults. Or with other kids. It’s called engagement.
Sis told me babysitters are now expensive, like 75 bucks, or more, a night, causing parents to just bring their kids out with them.
But here’s the rub: Restaurants have gotten very expensive. You can easily drop $100 for a so-so meal for two.
So why spend money to be subjected to someone else’s misbehaving brats?
Credit: Jack Regan
Credit: Jack Regan
In a restaurant’s confined quarters, your space is my space, too. So you have a right to speak up. Perhaps even a duty. You’re doing the other diners a favor — and ultimately the children.
Many don’t even know they are doing anything wrong. They are, after all, just kids.
After the scolding, my wife noted she had just read an article in the Atlantic magazine about correcting other people’s children. It’s headline was “Bring back communal kid discipline. Many American adults hesitate to correct strangers’ children in public. I wish it weren’t so.”
The author said her daughter put her foot up on the back of a seat in a streetcar in Prague and an older woman “gently touched my daughter’s foot, signaling her to put it down.” The kid obeyed.
The writer noted, “Both historical precedent and cultural norms in other parts of the world reinforce the idea that a stranger’s meddling in the disciplining of children can have significant merits.”
It was that way here, too, before individual rights outweighed the good of society.
Credit: Bill Torpy
Credit: Bill Torpy
I went on Facebook to ask when one should scold/correct someone else’s child, especially in a restaurant, where one is stuck in proximity to others.
I was deluged with comments.
They ranged from, “You go, girl!” to, “I’d be more cautious and would address the parents.”
Or ask management to do it.
Joe Seconder, a Dunwoody city councilman, tried the approach-the-parents strategy at a Decatur-area pub. The parents were “aghast,” he said. At him.
They, in turn, complained to management, who then scolded him and threatened banishment. He has since self-banished.
Sara Doyle said her “scary stare” usually works. She’s a state appellate judge, so it’s well-honed.
If the other parents get mad, she added, “it’s because they are embarrassed and defensive knowing they should have managed the situation better on their own.”
Former congressman John Barrow said, “My wife Angèle (Mom Whisperer) says, if the parents are engaged and trying but failing miserably, by all means back off and stay out.
“But if the parents are ignoring the situation, feel free to speak up and say what the parents OUGHT to say.”
I called experts for advice.
Michael Popkin, an Atlanta area psychologist and head of Active Parent Publishing, said “parents have an obligation to teach their kids not to bother others in public.”
“I don’t recommend you intervene with the kid; you don’t know what you’ll get in a reaction from the parents,” he said. “I’d advise going over to the kids’ parents and ask them.”
Veteran juvenile judge Steven Teske agreed with the Julie approach, saying “community norms need reinforcement.”
You know, the village.
“This is the bottom line: Correcting other people’s kids isn’t scolding — it’s modeling," he said.
Just be calm and empathetic while doing so.
“If you’ve done it right, the child feels corrected but not shamed. The parent — if they noticed — might feel grateful, not judged. And everyone else on the patio can go back to enjoying their wings and conversation.
“In a time when we’re increasingly siloed from each other, these small acts of public modeling are not only acceptable — they’re necessary."
Now, kids, get off my lawn.
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